The Lonely Writer


Only The Lonely 

I have been toiling away this week at several projects. I managed to get my goal of being more organized met along with the goal of changing all my passwords. Organization and security is a wonderful thing.

            While I am happy to meet my goals for this year I am also finding out how lonely I really am. It is good to have friends to talk to for hours and hours. I miss having those chats in person though. I admit my closest friends are too far away for us to get together. I am glad to have at least one close to me now.

            Last Sunday we made it out to church after being gone for two Sundays, and I admit to realizing how little I even know the people I have spent the last eleven years worshiping God with. I sat there looking around at them and realized the only one I ever talk to about personal life wasn’t there! Yes, I have shared bits and pieces with the others, but nothing like what I share with my sister in Christ.

Can you be lonely in a crowd?

Looking at the people around me I realized that you can be lonely in a crowd. You can feel out of place and even unwanted or not needed. It happens to everyone, and it is okay. I love to chit chat and cut up like we are in an episode of I love Lucy, but I also can be very organized and in need of instruction. Others around me seem to be just getting by. Some look sad, some look exhausted, and some just seem to exist but not really be there at all. They are lonely too.

            I still do not know what to do about the long hours I spend typing away here on my keyboard. I can’t just stop my work to try to fit in. I often wonder if they feel as trapped by their jobs as I do mine. It doesn’t help that I have zero in common with the members of my church. I have realized over the years they enjoy things I really could care less about. I don’t care for sports and have honestly never liked going to concerts. I don’t enjoy traveling, and it is hard on me with my health issues. What I love is writing, watercolor painting, graphite artwork, sewing, crochet, and knitting. That doesn’t seem to be anything they care to do with me. The friends I call every week, and text message enjoys those things. We try to steal minutes to just feel connected as the days fly by.

The Social Media Trap

We can be tricked into thinking we have a large number of friends when we look at the number of social media contacts we have. The truth is we know them, but they are not as close to us as we think. I found myself asking if I actually know what is going on in their lives or do I only know what the news feed says. I have tried harder to really pick out the ones that I feel connected to and just show up for them.

            It can be hard to let go of your spot in a place to finally reach out to those who you connect with. You feel lost when you come back and really see how little you are plugged into the people around you there. Writing can be a job that isolates and not being able to get close to those around you is often hard.

The mindset of the hive

            I have heard so much political propaganda this past year that I am now becoming more aware of how much religious propaganda comes out of our Christian mouths. I think the real issue is we tend to lean towards public opinions and not the actual gospel. I was shocked to hear some of the thoughts on a passage of scripture this past Sunday. Not just because they had nothing to do with the scripture itself, but because it all sounded like a sound bite for Christ.

            We tend to fall into the mindset of those around us. I am trying hard in 2018 not to do that. I want to fall into Christ! It is hard to be a hive worker that belongs to someone other than the hive. If you don’t believe me, then try it sometime. Instead of riding the popular opinion train actually look at what you are discussing and try to point out a different viewpoint to the group. It is not fun and won’t make you their friend.

Are we honest with ourselves?

            I am sitting here feeling a bit stressed out today. I am a people pleaser and problem fixer. The fear of people being unhappy drives me. After losing my father to suicide, I have become afraid of losing more people I love too. I often feel guilty for the unhappiness of those around me. I take it personally when they reject me or each other. I try to love them, but I am afraid of loving them too. People die, and it hurts. People are cruel to you, and it hurts. Just living hurts.

            The written page never truly fails you. As a writer, I come back to the place of my joy. When you write a story, you can fix what is wrong with the characters in it. Even the one that is you. The world you craft can have the resolve and find a peaceful solution. That isn’t always the case in real life. Right now my ex-husband is flying to his parent’s home. He was just released from jail after eleven years. I still love him, but I just can’t make him happy. I pray for his success and that he never places himself back in a jail cell. You can’t get happily ever after in real life. We break each other, and our brokenness just will not allow that to happen.

The Joy of the Lord is our Strength

            Can you really know joy? I think we can when we focus on the character of God. God is not in the business of creating misery. When our world first began he filled it with everything we would need to be joyful. He gave us a start which would sustain us. So how did we get to be so miserable? It was our own creation.

       You only find joy in what is given if you choose too. You have to make an effort to gain the blessing God has for you. Each day we must remember to tend the garden we have been given and to really see what lives inside it. We must use our eyes. We must have faith that God is greater than our need.

            I know this post seems a bit hit and miss today. That is my whole world in one sentence. How about your world? Is it often hit and miss too? Let me know in the comments below and remember it is okay to be lonely. Everyone is lonely sometimes.

 

Your Small Town Writer,

Deedra Mosley

 

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