Looking back at my youthful naivety I feel beyond broken. There were so many Fairy Tales that I believed, in my silly youthful state. I have talked about one of them which was the thought that my Dad wouldn’t ever die. His suicide ripped off that band-aid and left my soul bleeding.
I have not talked about the second rude awakening I went through. Mostly because it hurts too bad and involves people I still love. Okay one, in particular, my wayward husband.
I had wanted to be a wife and mother for as long as I could remember. It was beyond a dream. It had a life of its own really. A vision inside my heart of something that lived and breathed. It was a part of me. It was me.
With my husband’s arrest and conviction, I watched my Fairy Tale die… Or rather realized he murdered it. Now I stand here looking at a grave which contains my happily ever after. I am no longer that naive girl he married who believed in dreams coming true. I’m a bitter, jaded, mess of a woman who has learned that love is a choice, not a feeling or a Fairy Tale. Happy endings are not always a sure thing. There is a difference in loving someone and romantic love.
As I lay flowers on this grave and prepare my heart for the grief to come I am not without some comfort. Two beautiful daughters, he did give me. Even though I only have one half of my heart’s desire I am now able to rejoice in what I have. Bittersweet is something I can relate to.
Is there any rebuilding possible? No. It is dead and buried. We can’t kill it again. Can we both rise up out of our respective ashes and be reborn like a phoenix? Yes, I do believe that is possible. He can join me in viewing the grave of what he killed. I won’t begrudge him that honor. I chose to love him and forgive him. It frees me from my anger.
Are we getting a divorce? How about I leave you knowing that we are still having a funeral.
I dedicate this to all who are mourning the loss of youthful naive dreams. May the flowers you lay on the grave be beautiful. May you dare to dream again. May you find forgiveness and give it too.